Oct
31
Love Conquers All? Does a language barrier help or hinder a relationship?
I recently stumbled across an interesting piece about “language barrier love” by dating coach Jag Carrao. In the article Carrao outlines the pros and cons of being in a relationship where the two people don’t speak the same language. On the face of it, it would seem like a recipe for disaster but Carrao says there are many advantages to having this type of communication gap.
Among them are:
• No man-terrifying “relationship talks.”
• Fewer heated debates (about politics and religion)
• Less ambiguity about date logistics (aware of the language barrier, he nails down date/time/place to avoid any misunderstanding).
• Exotic charm of endearments uttered in a foreign tongue.
• And most importantly: less conversation, more kissing.
Read the complete article here.
I agree with Carrao’s opinion that when there is physical chemistry or a spark of mutual interest/curiosity the language barrier can kind of cut through the crap that often exists in dating someone who speaks your native language. But I think a language barrier also causes many people to revert to the conventional male/female roles, with the man taking the lead and doing the pursuing of the female, as opposed to the other way around.
Having a language barrier may initially be a fun adventure, but it can mask some serious issues that may come back to haunt the couple down the line. In the initial stages of dating, people are generally on their best behavior. Throw in a language barrier and little things you would’ve easily noticed early on in another relationship with a person who speaks your language, may wind up going unnoticed or swept under the rug. For example, views about women, family, money, etc. Of course a lot of these bigger misunderstandings stem from sociocultural differences, not just the differences in language, but the language barrier may initially cover up these issues.
Have you ever been in relationship where there was a language barrier? How did it turn out? If the relationship lasted, did you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife eventually learn the other person’s language and then eventually communicate primarily in one language? Or do you communicate in a hybrid language combining your two native languages?
October 31st, 2009 at 5:51 am
I have some experience with this. One of the biggest pros is that you can only understand the other person when an effort is being made to be understood. When emotions get too heated, that effort ceases to be made and communications break down. In other words, you can only communicate when calm.
Now, of course, I understand every word my wife says when she’s angry, and I rather long for the days when I couldn’t.
Oh, and we communicate exclusively in Spanglish, which puede cambiar de language in the middle de una frase. It’s muy extraño. (See also: dialog in Vicky Cristina Barcelona.)
October 31st, 2009 at 7:26 pm
I dated a girl from Ecuador who had only been in the US for about a year when we began our relationship. She and I enjoyed going to dinner, which was fun for both of us as she had never tasted any types of food other than what she had in Ecuador. While lasagna wasn’t all that exotic to me, it was quite an experience for her. We also went to the movies and spent time walking along the beach. She spoke nearly no English at all, and my Spanish was elementary at best, but we often had great conversations about our childhoods, our families, or our hopes for the future.
Certainly there were times when we were unable to perfectly convey our exact thoughts, but for the most part, the language barrier wasn’t an obstacle, rather a fun way for us to get to know one another better. It inspired me to speak more spanish and I became much more comfortable talking in spanish, even if it wasn’t perfect. She laughed at me sometimes, and I laughed at her, and in the end it made for a more interesting relationship.
While we are no longer together, I still have the intense desire to strengthen my Spanish speaking ability. I think a relationship with a language barrier can function just like any other relationship that has some sort of obstacle to overcome. It’s certainly no reason to avoid a relationship with someone. It could be the best thing that ever happens to you.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:05 am
I’m a few days late in coming to this, but am glad i saw it. You’ve brought up some great points, Eleena. I think it can work, but – as with people who speak the same language – it depends on how much effort people are willing to make to truly understand each other. The chemistry will only last so long.
One of the great benefits of learning another language is discovering depths of meaning. There is richness and beauty in the nuances. I often find I understand familiar things in whole new ways. In that way, relationships, if basically solid, could be enriched by the multi-language factor.
If nobody is willing to learn the other person’s language, it’s basically a way of saying “Communication with you isn’t worth the effort. I don’t have that much interest in understanding you.” So….there’s a problem there right away. The chemistry won’t overcome that.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Really a nice point.
I think it actually can help, since real communication is more in emotion than in words. Talking is sometimes an easy way to hide oneself. As one lacks in words, one have to connect more from the emotion – and that’s more real. No possibility to hinder your emotions… you have to make an effort to understand the other person, which also means you’re doing something of value just for the other part.
It also makes clear important things over small: you’ve got a problem to solve and you’re doing it (or not) which means your relationship is to be proven every day. If you get on with it, you’ve done a strong point together.
And true: less talk more kissing – I agree.
Interesting article.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Hello all,
I don’t have anything to add…just wanted to say “gracias” for all of your very insightful comments.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:14 am
I casually dated someone for a few weeks when I lived in Spain.
The language barrier caused one main problem (along with a few minor ones): it left a lot of pressure on me and not so much on him. Since my Spanish was far better than his English, the burden of communication fell almost completely on me. This was occasionally stressful or bothersome for me, for example if I still couldn’t understand something he was saying after he repeated it several times I might start to get upset and frustrated, which he often interpreted as a reaction to what he was actually saying. He began saying that I was “touchy” or “sensitive” and poking fun at me for it, which of course just made me more frustrated.
He just didn’t seem to understand or appreciate the magnitude of the difficulty I faced in going on a date in Spanish. I am fairly fluent and I think he might have thought that communicating with him was perfectly easy for me. I don’t blame him for his lack of patience or understanding of my predicament, but it certainly made things more difficult. I wish he had occasionally spoken more slowly, or rephrased his comments, or said, “no pasa nada, hablamos de otra cosa.” These would all have been sweet and caring ways to demonstrate that he understood my frustration and was willing to do something to take some of the language barrier burden off of me.
That said, the list of “pros” are certainly true, especially “excotic charm of endearments uttered in a foreign tongue.” Although, when it comes to Spanish, we might have to add a sub-item about cheesiness. I wasn’t sure whether to smile or roll my eyes at the text message I got from him which said “buenos dias chica de los ojos mas bonitos!”
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:42 am
there was this girl from el salvador at the gym and we were making eyes at each other and smiling at each other for weeks until i finally worked up the nerve to talk to her. i knew she spoke spanish as her primary language but i wasn’t sure how good her english was, and my spanish was solely present tense at the time. anyhow, the language barrier was such that i couldn’t “woo” her with my charm so the relationship went nowhere, even the the physical spark was definitely there. she started talking to another guy who was bilingual. after this i decided to get a spanish tutor and start working on my spanish seriously. for all i know she could have been perfect for me. now, a year and a half later, my spanish is way better (and so is her english) and that guy seems to be out of the picture. so while a language barrier may not be great when you are trying to put on the charm, it can inspire you to finally pick up that 2nd language you’ve always wanted to learn.
December 7th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I became interested in a guy from Honduras with whom I had a platonic friendship and the interest appeared to be, at least at times, mutual. My native language is English but we always spoke in Spanish. As things began to pick up between us, I became aware that I had no grasp of connotation in Spanish. For example, he would call me “linda”, and while I know that means pretty, I didn’t know what to read into it. I didn’t know if it was a benign term of affection or a compliment that meant I was especially beautiful to him. As it turns out, he also calls his grandmother linda so that was a clue. But I’ve come across this same issue with a Mexican guy friend who has taken to ending emails or phone calls with “te quiero”. I’ve read that this can be used between friends but I don’t know what he’s actually trying to tell me…. In both of these cases, although I’ve understood the words being said, I don’t have a history of experience with the phrases to understand the situations they are and are not used in. It can be difficult to comprehend the weight of words in a foreign language, even if you understand them.
The opposite has also happened where I’ve used words in Spanish that have a stronger meaning than I realized.
July 11th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Hello All,
I just wanted to put in my 2 cents in. I met my girl 8 months ago. She is from Colombia and I was instantly attracted to her the first day I saw her. She doesn’t speak english very well (Hardly at all) and I don’t speak spanish very well. Sometimes it is very frustrating that our communication is not there. The most frustrating part is when she is angy and it takes a while for me to understand why. I love her very much and Im learning spanish. Alot of my freinds tell me it won’t work but I have to disagree with them. My love for this girl makes me work harder at learning to communicate with her.