Jun
27
When an intercambio gets too close for comfort
Kelsey, a reader of this blog, left a detailed account of an experience she had recently dealing with a language intercambio she found via the Mixxer.
You can read her full account here, (it’s the last comment in the comments section). Long story short…a seemingly normal beginning morphed into something very creepy when her Chilean intercambio declared his love for her and canceled his vacation plans to be sure that he would be in the SAME COUNTRY as Kelsey.
Make no mistake, the benefits of doing language exchanges (intercambios) can be tremendous, but no matter who you are or where you live, your personal safety MUST come first. Don’t lull yourself into thinking that just because your conversational partner lives three time zones away on another continent that they may not have unspoken intentions that could radically affect your physical wellbeing and emotional state of mind. There are a lot of lonely people out there and while they may be harmless, you never know. Better to be safe than sorry. Read my entry on the 5 questions you should ask before agreeing to an intercambio.
Don’t be afraid to be upfront and direct, letting your conversational partner know upfront that the arrangement is strictly business. If a real friendship develops, great, but true friendship takes time. Meanwhile, if your top priority is to focus on improving your conversational Spanish, not finding a future spouse, be sure that this intention is crystal clear, especially if you pick up any vibe that the other person may be rearranging their life and/or thinking of having a more intimate experience with you. Also, keep in mind that cultural differences can come into play, especially with the way men view women and vice versa. What is viewed as socially normal and typical behavior between platonic friends in one culture (for example, signing off with “un beso” in an online chat or phone conversation) could be misinterpreted as a signal of undying love by another person from another culture where such terms aren’t used in the same contexts.
Kelsey also offers up some excellent advice born out of her unpleasant experience:
- If you are planning on studying abroad, DO NOT contact someone near your destination. If you really feel strongly about meeting someone who lives in or has been to your area, I would suggest someone of the same sex.
- Even if you and your partner decide to speak every day, try to keep much of your personal information out of the conversation.
Great advice, Kelsey. Thank you for writing at length about this experience. This will be a big help to others facing similar situations.
Has anyone else had any horrible experiences with intercambios? How did you deal with it?
Eleena,
Thank you for writing a post based on my comment; that was very great of you to make it public.
I definitely agree your statement about their being a lot of lonely people out there. That was exactly the problem. He was a 26 year old student finishing his Master’s degree at a university far from home. He had been living in his own studio apartment for four or six years without roommates. I only ever heard him speak once of one friend, one time. He found comfort in my friendliness and I honestly believed that he misinterpreted his feelings.
“Also, keep in mind that cultural differences can come into play, especially with the way men view women and vice versa.” This is a great point. When I say he misinterpreted his feelings, part of it is that he has told me that he’s never opened his mind to Americans before, and that every time he thought of the United States he envisioned the naval ships along Chile’s coast, obesity, materialism, bombing innocent countries, etc. He said he opened up to me to help me with Spanish and tell me about Valparaíso. I have to admit at first I was incredibly intrigued by his habits and culture (as anyone would be with a new culture), and of course he was intrigued by mine. I honestly believe he mistook his intrigue for an American culture for intimate feelings for me as a person.
Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head. The feelings that he felt he had for me, I believe, were more like the excitement he felt to meet someone from the United States who discounted all the ideas he had, and that differed from every day life in Latin America.
Ps- There were a few typos in there; please disregard those! :p
I actually bacame good friends with two language-exchange partners, but I must say that they’re of the same sex and we have similair interests. I do have a female language-exchange partner, but normally I hold the boat off and I don’t speak with her on a regular basis. The reason? Well, pretty much the same as you state in your article, Eleence (and Kelsey in her story).
On the other hand, I do keep close contact with some people I met when I was in Spain last year, both men and women. But again, you need to watch out that your contact doesn’t get too close (or only if you both want it to be close, which I don’t want at the moment).
Intercambio is Spanish for “singles night”.
Andrew,
I think you may be right.